I Cannot Say Anything To God This Morning

Aoife has been kneeling by the side of the bed for eleven minutes and has not said anything.

That is not reverence. She wants to be clear about that with herself, at least. It is not one of those silences a book would call holy. It is a woman on a cold floor with her elbows on a duvet and absolutely nothing coming.

She used to be able to do this. That is the strangest part. Six months ago she prayed in the car, out loud, badly, all the time, the way you talk to somebody in the passenger seat. She had a whole running conversation going and it was not formal and it was not impressive and it was real.

And now there is a wall in her throat.

She has tried three openings this morning. The first was Lord, and she stopped, because it sounded like a form letter. The second was I am sorry, and she stopped, because she has said that particular sentence enough times in six months that it has worn smooth and she cannot tell any more whether there is anything behind it. The third was nothing at all, just a breath in, and the breath came out again unused.

What is underneath all three is a thought she has not said out loud even in her own head, so let us say it here: she thinks it would be dishonest to talk to God this morning. She thinks the silence is at least true.

So she kneels. And the heating comes on downstairs with a knock in the pipe. And that is the whole of her prayer life at twenty to seven.

And here is where I stop talking about Aoife, because you have your own wall and you have decided that saying nothing is the more honest option.

I want to be careful with you, because the wrong word here does damage. So I am not going to tell you to try harder to pray. I am not going to hand you an opening line. You have had enough of being given words by people who were not in the room.

The praying was never yours to carry alone

Let me set the weight down first, before anything else, because you have been holding it since you knelt.

You are not required to produce a sentence this morning. Not one. The conversation is not suspended because you cannot start it, and nothing has gone quiet on His side of the room. And it is the Holy Spirit who makes that land in you rather than merely read well.

And here is where that comes from, because I would not dare say it on my own authority. It is written, and it is specifically about this exact hour:

Likewise the Spirit also helps our weaknesses: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.Romans 8:26

Read what that verse assumes. It does not treat not knowing what to say as a failure of the Christian life. It treats it as ordinary, expected, and already covered. The Holy Spirit does not wait outside the door until you have found an opening line. He is the one praying in you when there is nothing coming, and groanings which cannot be uttered is not a poetic flourish. It is God's own description of a woman kneeling by a bed with a wall in her throat.

So you have not lost contact this morning. You are being prayed for from the inside, by God Himself, at twenty to seven, and Scripture is where I get that rather than my own optimism.

The silence is not the honest option

Now the belief underneath, because it is doing quiet damage and it sounds noble.

You have decided that speaking to God this morning would be a performance, and that saying nothing is at least truthful. I understand exactly where that comes from and I am telling you it is not true, and here is why: it assumes the conversation runs on your credibility. That the words work when your week backs them up and become dishonest when it does not.

They never ran on that. Not once, not in the car six months ago either. What made a single one of your prayers reach anywhere was Christ, and He is not less acceptable to the Father this morning than He was in April.

So you are welcome, right now, wordless, unresolved and on a cold floor. That is not sentiment, it is what has been settled in writing, and God's Spirit is the one carrying it into the room rather than leaving it as a doctrine you assent to.

And let me put the plain half in too, because a message without it has failed you. Keep every real help you have got. The meeting, the counselor, the doctor, the medicine you take, the friend who walks with you on Saturdays. None of it competes with what God is doing in you and none of it is small faith. It is His kindness arriving with a face and a phone number, and He never asks anybody to choose between His hand and the hands He sent.